DAY 3 OF THE BEGINNING

Maui September 3

Here we are in Maui. It’s day 3. Day 3 of 8 emotional, painful, exhausting, exhilarating, joyful days.

It’s been physically painful for me to move through the grief the last few days. It stirred up more than I could have imagined. My priorities are being reevaluated and I am my own number one now.

There is something about Maui. I feel loved and cared for here. I am fully accepted and supported for being me. I haven’t always had that. There are people close to me who don’t believe in my work. It hurts and that is their journey. Mine isn’t to convince them of anything. I used to try. I know better now. I choose to believe in me.

They are doing their best with what they have and from the lens through which they see the world.

However, now is the time to come back to me. I need to come back to the body I disconnected from so long ago. I need to come back to my heart, even though it’s broken and it hurts like hell. It’s been broken for a very long time. It’ll take some time to heal it. I’m using every strategy I know

and looking for more.

I’m reinventing myself again. It’s going to be more drastic than ever. Having eight days to heal on purpose is transformative. How can it be anything else? It’s going to take some time to adjust and integrate. Honestly, it’s going to take time for people around me to adjust.

I have come to realize that some won’t, they will pull away. I know it will happen. I’m prepared. Well, as prepared as I can be when I don’t know who it’s going to be. It’s not a judgment. People who are no longer on a similar path, disappear from your life. It happens all the time.

Will it hurt to lose them?

Yes, for a while and it won’t hurt forever. There will be more grief, more healing, and more growth. The good news is, new people who are on a similar path, show up. It’s magical when you think about it.

IT’S MY TURN TO BE FIRST

It’s my turn to be first.

It’s my turn to feel safe.

It’s my turn to feel loved.

It’s my turn to feel like I am important.

I am these things. I am worthy of feeling these things and having a life where I am surrounded by people who believe in me, love me, and prioritize me.

I'm more determined than ever to be in my business supporting clients full-time as soon as possible. It is what joy looks like for me. Seeing people shift, heal, grow and move onto the path they want is nothing less than spectacular. It’s an honour to hold space for someone.

LEARNING TO HOLD SPACE FOR MYSELF

Now I’m holding space for myself.

I ordered Matt Kahn’s newest book, ‘All for Love. The Transformative Power of Holding Space’. I’ve had it since it came out. I haven’t had any brain space to sit and read although I want to. I really want to dive into this book.

I hold space for people. I didn’t know what it was called until recently. I held space for loved ones this summer to fulfill last wishes. I’m sad. Really sad. It was the most beautiful and traumatic experience of my life. It was a week of pain, sorrow, joy, and exhaustion that I wouldn’t have any other way.

Do I need to heal from it? Absolutely.

So why wouldn’t I change it? It changed me. It allowed me to be who I am supporting people I love.

What does holding space mean?

Holding space means you walk alongside someone in their journey, with no judgment. There isn’t room for it. Who am I to pass judgment on someone in their journey, their life lesson, their healing, their letting go? This space is a beautiful place filled with acceptance and grace.

Create a safe space for someone to ask for support, maintain the space, and let them lead the way to the next moment. No judgment. Simple acceptance of them in each moment no matter the path they choose or the next decision they make.

3 WEEKS LATER

It’s nearing the end of September now, there have been many changes. I hold space for myself as best I can.

I accept that my boundaries are set and people have fallen away.

I accept their decision and wish them the best, with love.

I accept that my heart hurts.

I accept new beginnings.

I accept these are the repercussions of my boundaries.

I accept help.

I accept support.

I accept love.

I accept joy.

I accept me (ok, you caught me…I am still working on this).